1

So, the thing to say when someone’s heading off to war is “God bless you,” or “We’ll be praying for you,” or “Jesus will make sure you kill those dirty terrorists before they kill you.”  This seriously freaks me out.

The scariest thing in the world to me is prayer, because the best case scenario is that it does absolutely nothing for me.  I’m a filthy, dirty atheist, and if there is an Almighty, I’m pretty sure he’s pissed at me for that entire make-out session outside the Academy Chapel about a decade ago.  I’d never repent (hey, she was hot… everyone’s damnation should look so good) because a) I don’t believe in God, b) if he is there, I kind of want to stay under the radar.

So best case, nobody’s up there.  But let say there is.  God is up there doing whatever it is God does (I don’t know, miracles, locusts, what have you).  He’s not blissfully ignorant of me, but he’s not really paying attention… I’m not high up on his list of things to do.  But… then there’s my mother-in-law, who has some sort of direct line connection to him.  I imagine the conversation might go something like this:

M-i-L: “Um, Jesus?”

Jesus: “B!  What’s up!  Did you get that sunshine I sent you.”

M-i-L: “Oh yes, it was lovely.  And thank you for burying New York in snow last week.  It was a very nice touch.”

Jesus: “I do what I can.  What’s on your mind?”

M-i-L: “Well, my Son-in-Law is going to Afghanistan…”

Jesus: “No prob, I handle these all the time.  This is Mongo right? I’ll just… oh, wait.”

M-i-L: “What is it it?”

Jesus: “Did you know about the USAFA Chapel incident of 2000?”

M-i-L: “He came to Church?”

Jesus: “Um, so to speak…”  (mumbles to himself) “I’ve been meaning to do something about that one…”

You see, if there’s one thing I learned in the Air Force, it’s that it’s never good to have your bosses attention.  I can only imagine what it would be like to have God’s attention.  Only I don’t need to imagine… he wants us to know.

Abraham - See Isaac

Isaac - Chained to a rock by Dad.

Job - Trope namer

Lot - Not that bad, when you consider salt was a pretty valuable commodity

Lot’s Daughters - Hint: Bible Tales usually takes off a couple paragraphs from the end of Genesis 19. 

John - See Jesus

Paul - See Jesus

Andrew - See Jesus (he even got a cross named after him)

Jesus - Did you see what he did to his son!  He even crucified all his friends.  Messed up.

As you can see, being an atheist is kind of like not having your homework done because you know there’s a substitute teacher that day… the last thing I need is the eggheads reminding the sub about the book report due.

This isn’t even the worst case scenario.  Worst case, Jesus goes to his Dad and Dad is already in there talking to Mohammed.

God: “I told you, Mo, I’m not killing anymore infidels today.”

Mo: “Come on, my guys are praying like five times a day, and JC’s dudes only show up on Sunday.

God: “Look, I told you, you got Mecca, he got hung on a tree.  You could have taken the tree deal, you know.”

Jesus: “Wait, Dad!”

God: “How’s it going, son?”

Jesus: “Pretty good.  I got an idea that will make us both happy.  Remember that Chapel Incident?”